Tonight, free agent LeBron James will be revealing via an hour-long special on ESPN where he’ll be selling his loyalties to for the forseeable future. However, there’s no good reason it should take sixty minutes for James to stand up in front of a camera and say “I will be playing for the ____________________. Hope you won your office pool!”

Thankfully, the good folks at hard-hitting sports network NPR have put together a list of ways that LeBron and ESPN can fill the remaining 59 minutes of airtime. Aside from the hundreds of commercials we’re bound to get, of course. Here are some of the choice highlights:

3. LeBron James reads selections from He’s Just Not That Into You

5. LeBron James tells very long story in which lady at grocery store cuts him off with cart in cereal aisle, later inappropriately uses express line clearly marked “15 Items Or Fewer”; story ends with tears and confusion over “loss of civility in our time”

12. LeBron James runs eight miles on in-studio treadmill while answering trivia questions about the American presidents

13. LeBron James previews new line of jewelry featuring delicate ladybug motif

19. LeBron James wrestles a Bengal tiger, lets it off with a warning

ESPN’s LeBron James special will air tonight at 9PM, EST.

[source] NPR